Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Star Trek by the Minute 104: Gate Crasher

As Spock is piloting the tiny little Jellyfish science vessel unopposed through the gaping void of the Narada, he approaches an entry door and starts firing at it.  Perhaps everyone on the Narada had been relaxing in the middle of the annihilation of the Federation home planet, but surely a spaceship battle, with firing and explosions INSIDE the vessel would get someone’s attention?  Nope! 

This hull, made of a super strong, unknown material, has only been apparently penetrated by ramming, and then only once, three decades ago.  The most recent attacks against the Narada by large Klingon attack fleets, Earth’s planetary defenses, and everything from the Federation’s most powerful starships were like rain off a duck’s back, if that.  Suddenly, a one-man science vessel without any apparent shields is able to confidently crash window-first through the previously impenetrable exoskeleton.  Spock doesn’t scan to determine whether he is on a suicide plunge to his death, nor does he even slow down a little, just in case his spitball weapons are as ineffective as we have every reason to believe.  He just magically crashes through the massive space doors without any problem, with no information, with no justification as to how this could possibly happen, and there’s nothing to explain how his souped-up space moped comes through without a scratch against the civilization-crushing apoclyship.
    
As we cut back to yet another fistfight segment, we should recall that just in the past minute, Kirk has been clubbed in the skull with a rifle butt, thrown to the plate-metal deck, punched twice in the ribs hard enough to break bones, picked up and hammer-fisted to the deck again, picked up again, and smashed in the face hard enough to knock him backwards as he fell to a lower platform, where he was being strangled.  Then, continuing his previous inconsistency about which universe is “real”, Nero claims “James T. Kirk was considered to be a great man” as Kirk writhes in a melodramatic resistance of Nero’s equally silly choke hold; It looks more like he’s getting some clavicle adjustments from a bad chiropractor.  

In an incredibly stupid, impossible exposition Nero continues: “He went on to captain the USS Enterprise, but that was another life…”  Sheesh!  The next thing you know, he’ll probably start making some evil, Fu Manchu comments about Kirk’s family.  “…a life I will deprive you of, just like I did your father!”
   
Next, we cut to Spock, still zipping around and performing combat miracles outside the Narada, which continues its inexplicable, sudden and complete blindness regarding the attacking Jellyfish.  Spock uses his super spitballs to sever the lower portion of the mining drill, which falls into San Francisco Bay as this segment closes.

No women appear in this segment.

Nero proves he never learns, even when he says he does in Star Trek by the Minute episode 105: SPAAAHHHK!!!

1 comment:

Nemo said...

It was really funny watching Jellyfish crashing into metal doors cockpit-first. Cockpit that is made of some seemingly fragile transparent material and guess what...not a scratch! wow even those incredibly impractical revolving parts are still intact. And what are all those flashes of blinding white light inside the cockpit (that don't correspond to weapons fire)? If I had to actually work in that environment I'd get a seizure or at least a headache in like 5 minutes.