Star Trek by the Minute 047: Psychic Psycho

Previous: STbtM 046: With Shields Like These…

In the flow of battle, Nero's order to destroy the Enterprise was followed instantly by his bridge crew, with missiles hot in 5 seconds, impacting the target in 10. Sulu's useless "status report" and Pike's nonsensical order to "get Starfleet Command" takes another crucial 10 seconds, during which the next salvo from the Narada should have been on its way. Spock's report on the Romulans' "high energy pulse device" and Pike's ordering of "All power to forward shields, prepare to fire all weapons" yet again consumes what should the last available seconds for the crew to avoid certain death, yet they choose to use this time to chat about information that has nothing to do with keeping themselves alive, like getting the hell away from a ship against which it is obvious - glaringly obvious - they have no possible chance of success.

Entering a battlefield under red alert, shouldn't our weapons be ready to fire already? I can't understand why the writers chose to have the skipper micromanage when they don't have Pike's detailed instructions consistent with reasonable actions. Even if flying into the trap made sense, (it didn't) even if firing at the Narada might adversely affect the enemy (it can't), even if not trying to escape was reasonable, (it isn't), why would we delay a fire order by instead ordering "Prepare"? Someone should slap Pike and demand to know what in the hell is he waiting for? For Nero to miraculously and unreasonably save the Enterprise? Fortunately, Gods (the writers) are on the side of the Enterprise, and the Narada and her crew just sit idly by while the Starfleet crew waffle around and have their nonsensical discussions. On the upside, the setup of the scene does provide a reason to show artillery casings being shoved into launchers and the hatches being locked shut. Tick…tick…tick…away go our heroes' final seconds in a universe with any sort of believability. So one wonders: what's going on aboard the Narada?

We see the Enterprise on Nero's viewscreen, and hear a Romulan officer announce "weapons ready", and then there's a long pause with Nero just staring at the screen with apparently everyone aboard waiting – as if they expect Nero to stop the attack, which he eventually does by yelling "Wait!" Ridiculous. The Narada was already firing, we know weapons are not merely ready, they have already been firing and every second the Narada waits is a chance for their enemy to fire, reinforcements to arrive, or an infinite number of other possibilities - all bad.

As the Enterprise is turning its bow in what looks like an attack vector or prep for another ramming maneuver that previously tore the guts out of the Narada when the Kelvin tried it, Nero says: "The hull, magnify." Navigation & sensors must really have a great telepathic link, since they don't zoom in on the enemy's weapons systems or damage to assess anything relevent to the battle, rather they home in on the proud "U.S.S. Enterprise NCC-1701" on the saucer section. Why would we care about the name of some other Federation ship that has nothing (apparently) to do with Nero's plans? Is Nero psychic, and his precognition and clairvoyance tell him that Kirk and young Spock must survive for Abrams' next travesty, and that they are aboard this ship? It's a mystery as once again, our heroes are saved from their own suicidal stupidity by another nonsensical miracle, perfectly timed. In my opinion, this insults viewers' credulity.

Nero shows that he has some superhero "helpless gaping" powers of his own, before we cut to Uhura on the Enterprise bridge announcing : "Captain, we're being hailed." On the viewscreen, we again see that enemy commanders can just pop-up on the main viewscreen of starships like a bad browser ad, as a badly distorted version of Nero says "Hello." In reaction to the shock of the situation, Pike has a momentary lapse to reason and replies sensibly, "I'm Captain Christopher Pike, to whom am I speaking?" "Hi, Christopher. I'm Nero." Pike gains his irrational footing to assert: "You have declared war on the Federation." For some unknown reason Pike thinks that this ship, about which he knows almost nothing other than it has attacked every populated ship, base, and planet with which it has had contact, is equivalent to a sovereign or head of state for the Romulan Empire. Even if Nero was considered a non-state terrorist, declaring war is an actual declaration. For all Pike knows, the Narada could be acting under any of an infinite number of mistaken ideas that led them to a conclusion that they are fighting for their survival. Pike has no clue – and yet he blurts out a provocative judgment that is not merely completely devoid of any supporting evidence as far as he knows, but factually wrong in several ways. Again I will ask: does no one proofread these scripts?

So, without any understanding of his enemy, Pike continues "Withdraw, and I'll agree to arrange a conference with Romulan leadership at a neutral location." Nero decides to clarify a couple of Pike's unjustified assumptions with "I do not speak for the Empire. We stand apart, as does your Vulcan crewmember. Isn't that right Spock?" Our first question might be: how would the captain of a frigging Romulan mining ship even know about Spock's assignment to the Enterprise – is he psychic? Second: why would he possibly care about saving this particular ship? Third: How would he know about alternate such things in an alternate timeline? Fourth: Why would he care about this alternate timeline? Fifth: What could this possibly have to do with Nero's planned revenge on the prime timeline Spock? Sixth: Has no one on board the Narada yet realized that Nero's plan includes letting everyone on Romulus die a second time? Incredible...that the studio actually makes hundreds of millions by PRODUCING such toxic waste.

Of 5 speaking roles in this segment, the only female is Uhura, who utters a total of 4 words.

Next: Star Trek by the Minute 048: Chekov Has the Con